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Originally published March 17, 2021 (LinkedIn)
I am heartbroken…no, that’s not the right word…gutted, that’s the one.
Hearing the news about the 8 deaths at Atlanta massage parlors, the hate crime (c’mon news outlets, say it, say the words) targeted at the Asian community, Asian women specifically, broke me. And it scared the crap out of me too. I’ve been concerned at the rise of Asian hate crimes in the past year. I’ve been worried for the safety of my elderly mother most of all. And I’ve been pissed off that the news coverage and the discussion has been little to none.
But I wasn’t really afraid.
I am now.
And one of the things that comes to mind as I try to wrap my head around these nonsensical acts of violence (3800 reported incidents of hate crimes against Asians in the last year alone), as I try and grapple with all the emotions that are consuming me right now, as I try to figure out WHAT I CAN DO, as I think through how to keep myself and my family safe…is that I am so, so glad I’m not in HR anymore.
I’m so thankful that I don’t have to go to work somewhere/anywhere tomorrow and NOT have even one person ask me if I’m okay. I’m so relieved that I don’t have to have other executives ask me what we’re going to do about it, or, no, rather, should we do something? Should we send an email? Should we hold an employee round table? Should we offer people time off if they need it (but, definitely not if there’s an important meeting that day, of course)? No wait…should we do ANOTHER UNCONSCIOUS BIAS TRAINING?
“You’re HR,” they all look at me and say…without words. As if this is specifically a part of my job alone. As if we’ve all forgotten what we’re supposed to do as fellow humans. “Humanity is not on my job description,” they shrug and say…without words.
I don’t have to be the one to take on the emotional labor from Leadership that is so afraid to do or say the wrong thing that they don’t do anything at all. And I don’t have to feel guilty in those moments when I forget to be a human and am paralyzed with that same fear of not doing or saying the right thing, too. And I don’t have to think about the fact that all the while that we’re trying to come up with some program to show that our company cares (but remember, we’re still a business after all), people are hurting. And I don’t have to be worried that my own personal struggles end up creating professional ones…and that not being okay.
If I had to go to work somewhere/anywhere tomorrow, I wouldn’t be seen as an Asian woman and there would be no consideration that this may be an especially hard time for me. My job would be HR…my ethnicity, my gender, my skin color, my FEAR wouldn’t be seen. Bring your whole self to work, but leave 99% of it at the door.
I’m so tired of being unseen.
Yeah, so I’m so, so glad I’m not in HR anymore.
I am sorry to every person I have asked to volunteer their time and efforts and the emotional labor of being on another (UNPAID) diversity committee. I am sorry to every person I asked to help come up with solutions, speak on behalf of an entire marginalized community, represent!, do the work, help FIX THIS. And I’m sorry for preaching empathy but lacking it in the stifling work environment demanding R!E!S!U!L!T!S! from these DEI efforts over just giving a damn and doing right by people.
Work places…the somewheres, the anywheres…remember that your HR team, your People leaders, and ALL your employees are people first, with emotions, with mental health challenges, with fears, with identities that go way beyond titles. And marginalized communities (not your catch phrase…but real people…real marginalizations) are having an especially hard time right now. A half day off to decompress, a book club about racism!, a guest speaker…all followed by a Performance Review on paper that never once asks someone HOW they’re doing, isn’t gonna cut it. Don’t just give the lip service, the “in these difficult times” speeches. But show compassion, check in, be human…at the very LEAST.
I can see that now, I can say that now, I can do that now…….now that I’m not in HR anymore.
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Have you ever googled yourself? 🙂 It’s honestly NOT as fun when you have one of the most common names out there. A few years back before my (day job) career started taking off, I had to go through 42 pages on google search before finding any reference of myself under my name.
I tried it again today…I found myself on page 4.
Page 1 was almost entirely filled with Susan Lee M.D.’s of varying specialties along with a fairly accomplished concert violinist. Page 2 had a Susan Lee who is a probation officer. Page 3 had a Susan Lee who is a writer (wahoo…) but alas not me (whomp whomp). When I finally got to myself, it was a reference to a speaking engagement I had done at a diversity conference. That was a good moment and memory.
I’m not a doctor (my poor parents), but I’ve made something of myself in my career as a HR Executive. And for awhile, that was enough. I was accomplished and proud of it. I started writing, and though my path hasn’t been the straightest nor fastest one, I feel I’m moving toward that sense of accomplishment and I’m proud of it.
But as the world has changed so drastically in 2020 and, to be honest, it’s been a helluva rough road emotionally and mentally for HR leaders trying their best to navigate how to support people during such a challenging time, I sometimes let myself dream of what life would be like if I just gave it all up and lived a very simple life in a tricked out van. Ha! (I’ve got 100’s of hours of youtube tutorials on how to build out a van under my belt now…not kidding). 🙂
Could I feel successful if I didn’t have a fancy title and a regular paycheck? Could I feel successful if I never sold a manuscript to be published? Could I feel successful if I met up with an old high school classmate and told them that I was basically unemployed and homeless? I don’t know.
But it’s a question I’m really trying to ask myself now. If 2020 has shown us anything, it’s that life is short, it can be uncertain, it can all change in the blink of an eye…and we have to grab on to happiness wherever we can find it. Maybe this is all a random pipe dream, but even just considering what life could be like if I redefined “success”, gives me a little bit of joy.
So, what does success look like? And I have I had it wrong all along?
*Here’s a video of one of my favorite van conversions. I mean, there are nicer ones for larger sized vans, but for the smaller 144 Sprinter (which is easier to drive and park), this buildout is impressive (It has a shower!).
Random Life Stuff
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I feel like I should start this all with a “how I got here” post. But, really, I’m so not interesting. You have been forewarned.
I came to books later in life. My sister, Sunny, is a prolific and passionate reader. She always has been. Me? I just kinda lived in my head…daydreams, plans, stories of love, success, revenge (eek)… and I watched a LOT of television. A LOT.
But I started reading as an adult when I got my first apartment on my own. I happened upon books of other single women, like me, living the dream…Chick Lit was my jam. And that segued into Romance, took a slight detour down a Fifty Shades to Twilight to what-am-I-doing-here path, and hopped back onto safer roads in Romancelandia. Reading Romance is my joy. Writing it has become my passion.
I had no idea what I was doing, but I wrote my first (terrible) manuscript back in 2017, entered it into the Author Mentor Match program and got selected. Unfortunately, revisions were stalled and I eventually, and rightfully, gave up on that story…teen superheroes receiving powers through racism…I kid you not. *smh*.
I still had no idea what I was doing, but I wrote my second (not-as-terrible) manuscript back in 2018, entered it into PitchWars and got selected. The PitchWars experience was transformative. I faced my revisions-phobia (thanks to my remarkable mentor, Gloria Chao), signed with my (first) agent, went out for the first time on (failed) submission, and met some of my closest writing friends. My PitchWars manuscript, still to this day, brings me joy. But it wasn’t meant to be…neurotic Korean-American girls falling in love with bisexual Chinese-American drag queens…wut. *smh*.
I wasn’t as lost as the first couple times, but still figuring my way around this writing thing and the journey to publication. So in 2019, I wrote my third (getting better) manuscript. I signed with my (second) (dream) (honestly, even though everyone tells you that “dream agent” shouldn’t be a thing, I mean it when I say DREAM) agent, and, hoping this story will find a home. Because I do believe everyone needs some laughs these days and what’s more heartwarming and hilarious than a childhood best friends to enemies to lovers story based in the combined world of K-dramas and San Diego. 🙂 Trust me!
And now (thanks to the incredibly talented Icey Designs) I have a website.
Because it’s time, I guess.
So……let’s get it!
Writing
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